


and I'll send you all my darkest thoughts

by jemjems112



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abusive Kate Argent, Dead Allison Argent, Dead Laura Hale, Dead Vernon Boyd & Erica Reyes, Derek Gets Therapy, Derek Has Feelings, M/M, Minor Lydia Martin/Stiles Stilinski, Nogitsune Trauma, Past Braeden/Derek Hale, Past Jennifer Blake/Derek Hale, Past Kate Argent/Derek Hale, Past Relationship(s), Past Stiles Stilinski/Malia Tate, Slow Build, Slow Build Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Slow Burn, Stiles Has Nightmares, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 06:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12126207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jemjems112/pseuds/jemjems112
Summary: One night, after a few too many beers, he texts Derek. He doesn’t expect a response, sure that Derek has changed his number many, many times since he left Beacon Hills without so much as a goodbye. Hell, who knows if Derek even has a phone anymore? It’s not like he was good at texting even when he had some semblance of a pack, of people that maybe, sort of cared about him.I don’t feel like I’m me anymore. Feels like I’m trying really hard to be the same but it just seems hollow.He doesn’t get a response but it doesn’t really bother him. He wasn’t expecting one anyway. He’s stopped expecting things from people. He’s stopped expecting a lot of things. That voice in the back of his head tells him that he stopped expecting things from Derek when he left without saying goodbye, like hours in a pool meant absolutely nothing, like Stiles meant absolutely nothing.Post 6A. Stiles starts texting Derek because he thinks that if anyone understands what he's going through, it's Derek.





	and I'll send you all my darkest thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first foray into Teen Wolf fanfiction. I've shipped Stiles/Derek since Day One and have devoured so much quality Sterek fanfiction, particularly on this site! 
> 
> This is set Post 6A because I saw the 6B trailer and wanted to write a fic about how Stiles and Derek ended up arriving in Beacon Hills together. This does not take anything from 6B into account. 
> 
> Please note that there are references of sexual trauma in this fic. Derek Hale was underage when he became involved in a sexual relationship with Kate Argent. Stiles also has nightmares and some of these nightmares include depictions of character deaths.

It’s not that he doesn’t love Lydia. Of course he loves Lydia. He’s always loved her; been infatuated with her; fascinated with the idea of her. That never really went away. He likes to think that it changed over time; that it grew deeper and more complex with everything that they had experienced. He has to think that because otherwise he might do something stupid, like admit that his love for Lydia doesn't quite fit into this new version of himself. That's a thought too terrifying to vocalise because he doesn't know how to be Stiles Stilinski without being madly in love with Lydia Martin.

It’s just that after she drives him to college and leaves him with a lingering kiss and a promise that she’d see him soon, things feel different.

So much has happened since that night he dragged Scott into the woods to look for the body of Laura Hale. So much has happened that he doesn’t really feel like he fits into his own life. He tries to ignore it; to pretend that everything is okay; but after the Ghost Riders, he realises he can’t pretend anymore.

It might be the fact that he was stuck waiting in the train station with Peter Hale but he’s been thinking about Derek. He’s been thinking about Derek _a lot,_ thinking that if anyone understands what it’s like to feel like you don’t fit into your own life, it would be Derek.

One night, after a few too many beers, he texts Derek. He doesn’t expect a response, sure that Derek has changed his number many, many times since he left Beacon Hills without so much as a goodbye. Hell, who knows if Derek even has a phone anymore? It’s not like he was good at texting even when he had some semblance of a pack, of people that maybe, sort of cared about him.

_I don’t feel like I’m me anymore. Feels like I’m trying really hard to be the same but it just seems hollow._

He doesn’t get a response but it doesn’t really bother him. He wasn’t expecting one anyway. He’s stopped expecting things from people. He’s stopped expecting a lot of things. That voice in the back of his head tells him that he stopped expecting things from Derek when he left without saying goodbye, like hours in a pool meant absolutely nothing, like _Stiles_ meant absolutely nothing.

So yeah, he wasn’t expecting a reply. He just wanted to say the words.

  
\---  


After that, it kind of becomes a thing.

It doesn’t happen all the time. During the day, Stiles manages just fine. He has classes and assignments and even a couple of tentative friends who he’ll grab a coffee with every now and then.

It’s a different story at night though. He tosses and turns for hours, terrified that if he falls asleep, he’ll disappear again and that no one will bring him back. Those endless days in the train station plague his thoughts and he just can’t seem to escape them. It feels like he’s running through those tunnels again, only to end up exactly where he started.

So he tells Derek everything. He pours out the whole story, explains the terror he felt when he knew that he would be taken; when people looked him dead in the eye and had no idea who he was. He explains the frustration he felt when Peter was the only one he could rely on; the bitter disappointment when Peter left and he was all alone. He tells Derek everything and it feels like he’s standing on the edge of a cliff, just screaming into the empty nothingness. The words are out there and even if Derek never replies, it’s better to have written them than to have done nothing. It’s ever so slightly relieved the feeling of slowly choking on the terror.

He ends his text message like this: _sometimes I think I’ll disappear again and no one will come looking._

And then his phone beeps.

**I would.**

That’s it. Two words and Stiles feels like he can breathe again. Someone would come looking for him.

 

\---

 

It’s not like those two words opened a floodgate of communication but Derek does occasionally reply.

_When I do sleep, I see Allison dying. I wonder if Scott blames me. I blame me._

**If I had been a better Alpha, Erica and Boyd would have stayed. No one blamed me for that, just like no one blames you for Allison.**

_Do you think I’ll ever stop blaming myself?_

**I’m not the right person to ask about blame.**

\---  
  
_Found handcuffs in my roommate’s closet. Think he uses them for community safety on full moons or he’s just really into 50 Shades of Grey?_

**Stiles, it’s far more likely that your roommate is an aspiring Mr. Grey than a werewolf. Put them back where you found them. It’s rude to snoop.**

_Omfg I can’t believe you know what 50 Shades of Grey is!_

**Everyone knows what 50 Shades of Grey is.**

_You aren’t everyone though! I didn’t know that you read books. Or watched movies. Or had any knowledge of pop culture._

Derek doesn’t text back. Instead, he gets sent a photo of a bookshelf. It’s so full that Stiles is genuinely impressed; it doesn’t look like even one more title could be added to that collection. He doesn’t know why but he finds himself feeling kind of sad that he didn’t know this about Derek whilst he was living in Beacon Hills. Stiles tries not to dwell on the feeling but he knows himself well enough to know that he’s feeling guilty.

He knows what it’s like to wonder if anyone would care enough to come looking if he disappeared. He imagines that’s how Derek felt after his family died and Stiles didn’t do anything to make him think otherwise. 

He doesn’t text back.  


\---  
  
It’s the night of the full moon and Stiles feels strange, like something is missing. He was invited to a party or two but declined, pretending that he had an assignment he really needed to finish. He’s weeks ahead of his course work but he doesn’t want to go out tonight. He knows his friends back in Beacon Hills are going to be okay without him; knows that it’s a good thing that he hasn’t heard from them; but it stings a little.

He doesn’t like feeling so replaceable.

He sends Lydia a text message, asking how everything is going. He doesn’t want them to be in danger; doesn’t want them struggling without him; but it would be nice if they noticed his absence. He’s hoping that Lydia will tell him that they’re okay but that they miss him.

She doesn’t reply straight away and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

He can see the moon out of his dorm room window. He snaps a picture and sends it to Derek without thinking. _Never thought I’d miss chaining Scott to a radiator,_ he captions the photo. He thinks he means for it to be a joke but even to his own eyes, the words seem flat on his screen. He sends them anyway. It’s not like he’s been censoring himself recently, not around Derek anyway.

**On my first full moon alone, I howled at the moon, hoping that someone would answer. It’s lonely without pack.**

_I’m not really pack though,_ he responds. It’s easier than acknowledging the fact that Derek’s family burned to death in their family home; that crazy Uncle Peter tore his sister into pieces; that his only remaining family are either certifiably insane or residing with a pack in South America.

 **It’s okay to miss being needed**.

_I don’t know if they ever really needed me._

Derek texts back a photo of a pool.

A quick internet search confirms that it’s just a stock photo from Google but his heart races anyway. He remembers diving into the pool and holding Derek afloat; how terrified he had been that they would both drown; that his dad would find his body and drink himself into an early grave.

He hadn’t cared about Derek then, not really, not the way he cared about him now. He had held Derek afloat because it was the right thing to do and because he was selfish. He knew that if he and his friends had any chance of surviving this, they would need Derek.

_Near death experiences don’t count as being needed._

This time Derek is the one who doesn’t reply. It’s fair enough, really. Stiles wouldn’t really know what to say to that either.

 

\---  
   
When he wakes up in the morning, he has three unread messages.

All good in Beacon Hills. I edited your latest essay for you so check your email. He tells Lydia thanks and tries to ignore the flicker of disappointment in his chest.

**It counts as being needed. You weren’t just kept around because you were better than nothing. You’re an asset, Stiles. You’re smart, yet somehow stupid enough to throw yourself into danger without thinking twice. Underneath that unrelenting sarcasm and attitude, you care a hell of a lot. If it wasn’t for Scott, his attitude towards me and some of his questionable decisions, I’d have asked you to join my pack.**

A second message, sent about an hour later, reads **tell anyone and I’ll rip your throat out with my teeth.**

He can’t help but laugh.

\---  


Lydia asks Stiles if he’s coming back to Beacon Hills for break. It had always been his plan to spend break at home, to fall back into things like he had never really left. He goes to reply, to tell Lydia that he’ll leave after his last class on Thursday, but he finds himself lying.

_Sorry Lydia, totally broke. Can’t afford flights and I don’t think the Jeep would survive the drive. Maybe you could come here instead?_

I can’t. It’s all hands on deck here. 

She doesn’t elaborate. More noticeably, she doesn’t offer any financial assistance. Whilst he would turn it down, the Martins are one of the richest families in Beacon Hills and Lydia is generous with her money. If she cares about someone, she shows it with material gestures. He hasn’t seen Lydia in months; since she drove up to college with him. Shouldn’t she want to see him? Shouldn’t he be moving mountains to see her? This is _Lydia,_ after all. He’s been in love with her for as long as he can remember.

All he knows is that something doesn’t feel right here. There’s a gentle hum of disappointment under his skin but when he examines it, he finds that it seems to be related to the fact that he didn’t know Beacon Hills was facing another threat. It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the fact that he’s not going to be seeing Lydia this break. He doesn’t know much about relationships but he knows that she’s supposed to offer and he’s supposed to care.

His fingers hover uncertainly over his phone, not quite sure what to say. He can’t actually remember the last time he properly spoke to Lydia. They text a few times a week, when he has time between class and she’s not busy with pack business. He scrolls back through the conversation and he’s struck by how superficial it seems. He can’t even remember the last time that they spoke on the phone. They agreed to have weekly Face Time calls but after their plans fell through three times in a row, they stopped making arrangements.

In the end, he sends back a simple _good luck._ He needs more time to analyse before he says anything more.

 

\---  
  
He manages to fall asleep before 3am, which is no small feat these days. He dreams of his mum, of her body on the kitchen floor and his tears marking her face as he cries down the phone, begging for an ambulance. He dreams of her body on a cool metal table in the morgue, of his father having to identify the body because his mum was sick and Stiles couldn’t get the ambulance quick enough to save her.

He dreams of Peter offering him the bite but this time he accepts it, sick and tired of being the weak, defenseless human. He can feel the pain, can feel fire coursing through his veins, and he knows that the bite isn’t taking. He isn’t strong enough to survive the bite so he’s going to die, all alone on the cold, hard concrete.

He dreams of the pool, of Derek growing heavier and heavier. “It’s okay”, Derek whispers, as Stiles has no choice but to let go. He watches Derek’s paralysed body sinking to the bottom of the pool, his lungs burning as they fill with water, and he cannot do anything.

He sees Erica standing on his front porch, smiling at him. He relaxes. Maybe this is a nice dream. Erica is alive and happy, which is how things should be. He tentatively smiles back, lifts a hand in greeting. Her smile grows wider, showing bloody teeth, and he reels back. Blood keeps dripping, gushing out of her mouth, until she keels over on his welcome mat. He doubles over and vomits on his front lawn.

He dreams of Gerard. He manages to get free, trips as he tries to run up the stairs and escape the basement. Gerald just laughs as he slowly walks up the stairs and takes hold of his leg. He screams as Gerard drags him back down the stairs, knowing exactly what fate awaits him there.

He dreams of motel car parks and road flares, of Scott going up in flames because Stiles isn’t enough to save him; because Stiles has never been enough. He says all the right words but Scott just scoffs and tells him that he wishes he had never met him, that his life would have been so much better without Stiles, that it was Stiles’ fault they were in the woods that night. Scott tells him that everything has always been his fault, then drops the road flare and the whole car park burns a fierce red.

He dreams of the Nogitsune, of the darkness. He pushes the blade into Allison’s stomach; hears Lydia’s screams reverberating off the tunnel walls. He wants to take it back, to do something, to save the girl his best friend loved; to save the girl he once considered a friend. He can’t do anything though; he’s not strong enough to fight the darkness.

He dreams of the Ghost Riders, of endless days and nights waiting for someone to remember him, of thinking that maybe it would be better for everyone if he didn’t come back. Easier, maybe. He dreams that he comes back and his dad’s face contorts into something unrecognisable, twisted by anger and grief; the regret of choosing to remember his son at the cost of losing his wife all over again.

He awakes suddenly, covered in sweat and gasping for air. He doesn’t think, just grabs his phone and dials the only person he thinks will understand.

\---

  
It doesn’t matter that it’s nearly 4am. Derek answers the phone after the second ring and god, Stiles has missed his voice. He didn’t realise just how much until he hears it again.

“Stiles?”

Months ago, Derek texted **I would** and Stiles felt like he could breathe again. Now, Derek has said his name and he feels grounded again, like his feet are back on the ground.

“Bad dream”, he answers. “Sorry for waking you”. He knows Derek wasn’t asleep but it’s the polite thing to say.

Derek doesn’t say anything. Years ago, back when they first met, Stiles interpreted the silence as frustration, like Derek was purposely not fulfilling his role in the conversation so that Stiles would get the hint and shut up. After a while, Stiles started to think that Derek was silent because he was socially awkward and just didn’t really know how to participate in a conversation. After all, he had been alone for a long time.

Derek’s silence seems different now, though, like he’s giving Stiles a chance to process his thoughts and decide where he needs to begin.

“Why did you leave without saying goodbye?” he asks, acknowledging for the first time that he was bothered by it.

“I didn’t think anyone would really care”, Derek says, like it’s that simple. In Derek’s eyes, it probably was that simple.

“I did”. He pauses and the silence stretches between them for a few more seconds as Derek allows Stiles to collect his thoughts. “I was the one who realised you were gone. I went to the loft after school and the place was empty. I don’t have werewolf senses so I couldn’t just track you down… I drove around for hours looking for you. I was fucking terrified that you had been taken by someone or something but then I found Peter at that stupid abandoned train cart you used to live in. He told me that you had gone and that you didn’t want to be found. That fucking stung, by the way. You said goodbye to _Peter_ but not to me”.

“He’s family”. Again, his words are spoken like it’s just that simple.

“Blood isn’t always thicker than water, Derek! Peter is a fucking lunatic, alright? He killed Laura! That’s unforgivable! I know I’m just some stupid, spastic teenager and that you’d happily rip my throat out with your teeth if it wouldn’t stain your upholstery but I deserved a fucking goodbye”.

It’s not until he says the words aloud that he realises how angry he is. He _cares_ about Derek. He has done for a long time now. He trusts Derek in a way that he doesn’t trust anyone else and that’s not a recent thing. The reason he feels comfortable enough texting Derek all his deepest, darkest thoughts isn’t just because he thinks Derek will understand. It’s because he _trusts_ Derek. Quiet, angry, hurting Derek who proved himself time and time again; who proved that despite all his faults, he would show up when it counted; would save and protect Stiles no matter what. He thought that maybe, just maybe, Derek trusted him too; that maybe Derek cared just a little bit; but then he left without so much as a goodbye or a forwarding address.

Stiles doesn’t know what else to say so he hangs up.

**I should have said goodbye.**

**I wanted to but I wasn’t sure you would care.**

**Actually, that’s a lie. I think I knew that you, out of all people, would understand why I was leaving. I think I was just trying to avoid an honest conversation that I wasn’t ready for.**

**I’m sorry.**

_Thank you._

\---  


He doesn’t text Derek for about a week. He tells himself that it’s because he needs to invest more time into his studies and into his relationship with Lydia but he knows that’s a lie borne out of self-preservation.

In all honesty, he’s scared.

He hasn’t been scared _of_ Derek for a long time. He’s been scared _for_ Derek and whilst _around_ Derek, both of which are common feelings considering Derek seems to have an annoyingly persistent habit of getting into life threatening danger.

He’s scared now though because Derek can be awfully perceptive when he wants to be. Derek also happens to understand him more than most other people these days, which is why Stiles has been messaging him in the first place. If Derek was really listening – and Stiles thinks that he was – then he’s revealed just a little bit too much about his feelings.

Stiles has always found Derek attractive. Even when Derek was threatening to rip his throat out or pushing his head into a steering wheel, he’s been very aware that Derek is more attractive than most people in Beacon Hills combined. Stiles has _eyes_ after all. He’s sure that Derek is aware of it; that he’s smelt the arousal that seems to follow Stiles everywhere he goes, particularly where Derek is involved. Derek, to his credit, has politely ignored the attraction rather than acknowledging it and causing never ending humiliation.

Somewhere along the way, things shifted. The more time Stiles spent around Derek, the more he realised that Derek wasn’t just a pretty face. He had been through hell and somehow still survived but it was more than that. Weaker men would have crumbled if they had suffered half as much pain as Derek but he came through it all and somehow, he still cared about people. He turned Isaac, Erica and Boyd because he was lonely but also because he thought he was giving them a better life. He showed up, time and time again, even when he didn’t have to. Even though he said that he didn’t, he knew that Derek _trusted_ him. Derek’s actions spoke far louder than his words and somewhere along the way, Stiles had proven himself to Derek. The threats and the violence had been replaced with an understanding that they had each other’s backs.

When he went to Derek’s apartment and found it empty, he had realised. Things had just clicked into place and he knew that his physical attraction to Derek had grown into something deeper and stronger. It was a secret that Stiles had intended to take to his grave. He had shoved it into the far corners of his mind and pretended that he wasn’t bothered by Derek’s absence; he had dated Malia and then Lydia and acted like everything was fine.

He had never talked about it so when those words tumbled out of his mouth, the anger and the frustration and the hurt feelings were still so fresh. Derek is smart enough to put the pieces together and realise that there’s something more there, at least on Stiles’ end.

So yeah, he’s scared. He’s not scared that Derek won’t reciprocate his feelings because he already knows that Derek doesn’t feel the same. He’s terrified that he’ll lose Derek completely and he doesn’t know how he’ll be able to handle it.

It’s pathetic but he’s felt more human over the last few months than he has since Derek left. He isn’t ready to lose that.

  
\---  
  
  
He and Lydia break up during the week that he’s ignoring Derek.

They manage to have a Face Time conversation and about three minutes in, she tells him he looks like complete crap. He tells her that he’s struggling with the distance, that after everything, he just isn’t ready to come back to Beacon Hills and she’s far too valuable to travel to him and leave the town unprotected.

Lydia doesn’t even look surprised and she’s polite enough not to call him on his bullshit.

“It’s better that we end it now. I’ve received an early acceptance to the University of Cambridge so in the near future, we’ll be on different continents”, she says in agreement.

There’s a lot left unsaid. They’re both aware that Stiles is no longer the same person he was in third grade, when he decided that he was going to be in love with Lydia Martin forever. They’ve both lost people and gone through more trauma than most people see in a lifetime. Rather than growing together, they grew apart. Stiles knows that a lot of the responsibility for that rests on his shoulders; that he should have worked through his issues _with_ Lydia, that he should have trusted her with the burden he was carrying.

He was just so in love with the idea of Lydia; so desperate to have the perfect relationship that he had been dreaming of for years that he refused to share his darkness out of fear that it would taint everything.

He ignores the voice telling him that Derek Hale has already seen him at his worst and seems to tolerate him regardless.

  
\---  
  
For someone who once thought that Lydia Martin shined brighter than the sun, he’s remarkably okay with their breakup.

Scott texts him for the first time in weeks, a simple _heard the news. Hope you’re okay. _

He replies with a smiley face. He doesn’t think there’s much else to say. He and Scott will always be brothers but they’re living different lives now.

After a particularly sleepless night, he texts Derek. He figures that if Derek was going to make a scene over Stiles’ little crush, he would have done it already.

_Would your arm have grown back?_

**Do you think about that a lot?**

_I’ve done a lot of research and can’t seem to find the answer._

**We aren’t related to starfish. I’m 99% sure I’d have ended up with a stump.**

**\---**  
  
He gets to know Derek a lot better over text.

_Breaking Bad or Walking Dead?_

**Is that even a question, bitch?**

_Summer or winter?_

**Winter. I remember learning how to snowboard when I was younger. My family had a lodge.**

_Favourite Harry Potter character?_

**George Weasley or Sirius Black.** Ten minutes later, his iPhone indicates that Derek is still typing a message. It’s worth the wait when Derek practically sends an essay about why he likes each character. That leads to a three hour phone call about why Severus Snape is a bad person. Stiles falls asleep while Derek is ranting about the scene in the movie where Severus steps over James Potter’s dead body to see Lily.

The fact that Derek’s a secret Harry Potter fanatic makes him way happier than it should.

 

\---  
  
Late at night, their text messages grow more serious.

**Worst relationship?**

_I don’t think I’ve had any truly terrible relationships. I haven’t really been heartbroken or betrayed. I think I’ve been a bad boyfriend though. Both Lydia and Malia deserve better._

**You weren’t heartbroken over Lydia?**  

_Not really. I was more in love with the idea of her._

**That’s how I feel about Kate.**

He doesn’t reply; chooses to call Derek instead. It’s 2am and for the first time ever, Derek tells another person what happened with Kate Argent. Stiles had put most of the pieces together a long time ago but hearing Derek tell the story is the most horrific thing Stiles has ever heard. The police reports had noted that Derek, Laura and Peter were the only survivors; that Derek’s mother and father, his grandmother, three younger siblings, and four cousins of various ages had all perished in the fire.

Derek’s voice doesn’t waver as he tells Stiles that Kate had seduced him; that he had told Kate all about his family; that he had mentioned a family gathering that he wanted her to attend. He tells Stiles that he came home from lacrosse practice to see his family home burning to the ground.

Stiles only utters four words that night but repeats them like a mantra until Derek’s breathing evens out and he drifts off to sleep.

_It wasn’t your fault._

\---  
  
_Did you love Jennifer?_

**No. I think I could have in time but we both know how that ended.**

_Why did you believe me when I told you she was evil?_

**Because it’s you. You’re one of the only people that hasn’t manipulated me. That earned you a little bit of faith.**

_Did you love Braeden?_

**No. I think I wanted to show the world that I had survived Kate and Jennifer and didn’t have any emotional wounds. I think most people would call that a rebound relationship.**

_Do you think you could fall in love again?_

Stiles waits for an excruciating seven minutes before Derek replies.

**Yes.**

\---  
  
_I tried to tell my dad that I was bisexual once. I think he thought I was joking._

**I never got to tell any of my family that I’m bisexual. After the fire, Laura and I moved to New York. I wanted to tell her but I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t find the words about Kate either. I like to think that she knew anyway and loved me regardless.**

_I’m sorry I accused you of her murder. That was really fucked up._

  
\---

 

**I was never really going to rip out your throat with my teeth.**

_I know._

**It was easier to just be angrier all the time. Anger is easier to manage than grief.**

_Was easier? Are you not angry anymore?_

**I’m still angry but it’s not the only thing I feel anymore. These messages help. So does therapy.**

_Derek Hale in therapy? I never thought I’d see the day! In all seriousness, I’ve thought about therapy a lot. I went after my mum died and it helped a little bit. I just don’t know where I’d find a therapist who knows about the supernatural._

Derek texts him a phone number for a counselor about fifteen minutes off campus. He doesn’t ask Derek how he knew what college he was at.

 

\---  
  
_Peter offered me the bite once._

**I didn’t know. I’m glad you didn’t take it.**

_Because I’d be a terrible werewolf?_

**Because no one should be connected to Peter in that way. I think you’d make an excellent werewolf. Far better than Scott.**

\---  
  
**Have you seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones?**

He calls Derek and they talk for hours. He almost hangs up the phone when Derek tells him that he doesn’t understand the appeal of Jon Snow but he likes the sound of Derek’s voice far too much.

 

\---  
  
On April 8th, he gets sent a photo of a cheesy card wishing him many happy returns.

**Happy 18 th birthday, Stiles. **

He sends Derek a photo of his face with his widest grin. He didn’t even know that Derek knew his birthday.

_When’s your birthday?_

**_11 th July._ **

_And how old are you going to be? I vaguely remember starting at Beacon Hills high as you were getting to graduate but then when we saw you in the woods, you looked like you were 80._

**I’m only four years older than you, Stiles. I’ll be turning 22 but I haven’t celebrated in years.**

_But if someone wanted to hypothetically post you a card and a present, where would they send it?_

Derek sends him an address in New York City. Stiles doesn’t need to ask; he instinctively knows that this is the apartment that Derek and Laura lived in before her death.

 

\---  
  
_Do you think you’ll ever go back to Beacon Hills?_

**Not unless it’s an emergency. I was supposed to go back with Laura when we heard about the killings in our territory but I told her that I wasn’t ready. I made her go alone.**

_It wasn’t your fault._

 

\---  
  
Stiles can’t sleep. He Face Times Derek and pesters him until he finally agrees to start watching Parks and Recreation.

Stiles has the same episode playing on his laptop but he finds himself paying more attention to Derek’s face than the episode. He’s never seen Derek laugh before and the sight of him chuckling is mesmerizing.

It becomes a regular thing. Derek watches something on Netflix; Stiles watches Derek.

 

\---  
  
_I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you as much as I do._

Stiles should not be allowed access to his phone while under the influence of alcohol. He texts Derek that exact sentiment the next morning but Derek doesn’t respond.

 

\---  
  
He doesn’t hear from Derek again.

 

\---  
  
_I’m really sorry, Derek._

_I shouldn’t have made things awkward between us._

_Your friendship is more than enough, I swear. I’m not going to push for something that you don’t want._

\---  
  
None of his messages elicit a reply and god, it hurts like a fucking bitch. He thinks he finally knows what it’s like to have a broken heart.

 

\---

  
He receives a text from Lydia. A little bird told me that Derek Hale is currently moping in New York City.

_Peter?_

Cora. 

_I didn’t realise you were in contact with Cora. Hell, I didn’t realise that Cora was in contact with Derek._

Of course I’m in contact with Cora. She’s a useful connection. As for her contact with Derek, that’s only a recent development. Their pack bond still exists in some form; she reached out when she realised that something didn’t feel right. 

_What am I supposed to do about Derek moping? It’s kind of his thing._

Check your email. 

There’s an email from Lydia. It’s a forward from a travel agent, confirming that a flight for a Mr. M. Stilinski has been booked for this Saturday.

He doesn’t know what to say. It turns out he was right about Lydia Martin – when she cares about someone, she shows it in materialistic gestures. This might be the greatest thing that he's ever done for her.

 

\---  
  
Stiles can barely sit still during the flight to New York City. He’s terrified that Derek will slam the door in his face but he knows that if he doesn’t try, he’ll regret it.

The cab ride to Derek’s apartment takes an eternity. He almost forgets to grab his bag in his rush to get out of the cab and forces himself to take a deep breath; to slow down just a little.

He manages to get into the building without buzzing, darting through an open door as one of the tenants leave the building. Before he got on the flight, Lydia had texted him the apartment number, and his hands shake as he knocks on the door.

“Stiles?” Derek’s voice sounds even better in person. “What are you doing here?”

“You didn’t reply to my texts”, he says like it’s just that simple. In his eyes, it is.

It seems like it might be just that simple to Derek too because he grabs him and pulls him close. Before Stiles can protest about being manhandled, Derek’s lips are against his and the words die on his tongue.

 

\---  


“Why didn’t you reply?” he asks a few hours later. He and Derek had eventually made it to the bedroom and it was everything Stiles had imagined and more. It was worth forgoing the conversation but Stiles couldn’t ignore the obvious for much longer.

“I panicked. Over text, it was easy. I could say whatever I wanted and not worry about the repercussions. The thought of it becoming something more was terrifying, Stiles. You know my relationship history”.

“And you know that I’m not like any of them”.

Derek nods in agreement. “You’re not like them. You’re _more_ than them. You already mean more. I wanted to be in a better place before giving this a chance”.

“That’s why you’re in therapy?”

“Yeah. I’ve been considering it for a long time but that night when you yelled at me for leaving without goodbye was the final push I needed”, Derek explains. “I’m still not completely there. There are still things we need to talk about and things that will require a lot more therapy but I’m in a place to give this a chance, if you still want to”.

“If I hadn’t have shown up on your doorstep, what would have happened?”

Wordlessly, Derek passed Stiles his phone. The draft messages are illuminated on the screen and Stiles scrolls through them. There’s countless messages, dating back at least two weeks, and they’re all different versions of an apology; of an explanation. Even if Stiles hadn’t shown up on his doorstep; Derek was trying. Derek has proven himself time and time again; he has earned Stiles' trust and Stiles knows that he would eventually have sent a message explaining everything.

“I still love you and I’m all in”.

 

\---  
  
Stiles calls the university the next morning and defers his enrollment.

University can wait. Right now, he and Derek have a lot to work through, both individually and together. Stiles hopes that if things go well, he can transfer his studies to a university in the city. Based on the course catalogues he finds in Derek’s study, he thinks that they’re on the same page.

\--  
  
  
He has seven missed calls from Scott and twelve text messages, all urging him to come back to Beacon Hills.

There are three messages from Malia, stating that he needs to get his ass into gear and help them out.

There’s even a text from Lydia, saying that she wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t serious.

He looks over at Derek, who looks more relaxed and happy than he has in a long time. “Shit’s going down in Beacon Hills. They need me to save their asses”. He wants Derek to come with him but doesn’t want to ask; doesn’t want to be responsible for Derek’s shoulders growing tense as he heads back to the town that took everything from him. “I shouldn’t be gone for more than a week”, he says as he’s packing a duffel bag and throwing it into the back of Derek’s Camaro.  

“That’s what Laura said”.

There is no other explanation; nothing else that needs to be said. A second duffel bag is tossed into the back of the Camaro and Derek gets into the passenger seat like he belongs there.

Turns out he didn’t need to ask. Maybe Derek needs him just as much as he needs Derek. After all this time, it’s a nice thought. It helps keep the darkness at bay; helps Stiles feel just a little more grounded than he has done in a long time.

  
\---  


“You didn’t think you were doing this without me?”

“Without us?”

 Yeah, it feels pretty damn good that they’re an ‘us’ now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like it!


End file.
